quaint melody

A song has been playing in my mind for days. It is a song that reminds me of my adolescence years. How I wish I could turn back time, back to the time when everything was still simple as black and white. It was a much simpler time, when hardship of the days were homeworks and exams; when serious business meant fueling between friends; when the true ugliness of the world had not been dragged into the picture.

Tapping with the melodies, for a minute I thought I was in those naive years again. But it was just a memory lapse. I’m still here in my living room, listening to the song, over and over again.

yesterday once more Carpenters

It’s one of those day. Everything seem to be gloomy and sorrowful. In a dark place, where tears are constantly flowing. Dark clouds are gathering around me. I’m afraid I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

Keep telling myself to stay on the bright side, I do. I am hang in there, I really am. Just give me some time. I’ll be ok. I promise.

thoughts darkness

I have a restless mind. There’s always something going on in my mind. Be it random thoughts or important issues. I used to suffer from insomnia and would toss and turn in bed for hours. It took me a long time to train my mind not to be so active at bedtime. I used to lie on bed and thought about the happenings of the day, big and small. From international current events, to trivial things like ‘why did the chicken cross the road‘ (to get to the hen pen). It was a habit I had for as long as I could remember. It’s like a bedtime revision if you will. Sometimes I would lapse into the quaint quaint world of my imagination, or get overwhelmed by the memories from the past. It would be easily a good 2 hours by the time my body finally gave up and forced my mind to shut down.

There were countless times when I refused to go to bed even though I was tired. Simply because my mind was still hyperactive. For the longest time, my body suffered from exhaustion. I really envied people like Mr K who seems to have a shut down button in his mind. A press of the button and everything shuts down right away. He can go to sleep in seconds. I kid you not!

There was also a period of time when I suffered from bad dreams. Night after night I would wake up sweating, pondered over the dreadful dreams I had. Really, every single night! It was really that terrible. You’d really have to have experiences like that in order to understand, I guess.

Anyway, to end abruptly, I resorted to aroma therapy and it helps a great deal. Though I still have some problems every now and then, it is no longer as bad as before. Lavender oil is my saviour I tell you! Haha. The end. ;P

p/s: Heh, what do you know, I’m up and blogging again!

insomnia restless mind

As you can see, I haven’t been posting regularly as usual. I am going through moments of mental shut-down recently. Not feeling like going out or interacting with anyone, basically rejecting any form of social interaction. Just want to shut off of everything and live in my own shut down world. I think I’m going through a heavy case of social withdrawal syndrome right now. Normal self will be up and running in a few days.

Please pardon my craziness, I’ll go and stare at the walls for a little while.

social withdrawal syndrome

I love to look into a child’s eyes, they tell wonderful stories, a story of innocence, when things are simpler and pure. Here, I leave you with a photo I took a long time ago, with my trusty old Nikon D50 SLR film camera. Happy Weekend!

p/s: Between busy schedules and sleep deprivation, I am officially burned out. Will spend the whole weekend resting. Thanks for those who has tagged me, will do them in a bit. Sorry for the delay ya! Normal posting will resume on Monday. Stay tuned!

photography child

I read this article from 5Xmom during my daily blog-hopping, which got me into thinking. How many times have we tried to change ourselves to fit in certain stereotypes in society? Well, I did when I was younger. I wish I can say that I didn’t, and that I stayed true to myself at all times, but that would be a lie. I guess most of us do it at some stage in our lives. We try to be what society think we should be, so that others would like us. That brings back memories from my traumatic years in secondary school. Many people have fond memories of their school days, but not me. Of course, there are some good times, but mostly bad. Even thinking about it now makes me nauseous.

I used to be the black sheep amongst the crowd. Being an only child didn’t help as well. People tend to judge you as soon as they know you’re a single child. Words like, spoilt brat, unappreciative and pampered spring straight into their minds, faster than lightning. It’s almost impossible to fight such assumptions once they set in. I had someone told me straight to my face that she had heard of me long before we met while her face snickered. I even had a few teachers who intentionally picked on me (and for that, shame on them!)

Although I did have many acquaintances back then, only few were my true friends. I used to try incredibly hard to mix in, worried about what was deemed ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. The peer pressure I felt then was tremendous. I dreaded going to school every morning, finding every excuse under the sun, even pretended to be sick at times. It was that bad. I lived in the constant fear of being judged by people around me.

Of course, those were the painful adolescent years. Somewhere along the line, I decided not to be swarmed in self-pity. God only helps those who help themselves. I learned not to let insignificant comments affect me. To hell with them, I told myself. And ironically, as time goes by, some of those people came wanting to be my friends again, after they had learnt that I was living overseas and thought I might be of use to them . *shudders*

That’s one of the reason why I started this blog, to re-discover myself, to speak my mind without any worries. and most importantly, to serve as a reminder to be true to myself. And that, would be an never-ending journey.

As you all know I am leaving tomorrow night. As the hour draws closer, my heart becomes heavier. I can’t possibly put my feelings into words, but I’ll try. It has been a really long time since I’ve stayed at home for an extended period of time. Ever since I finished high school actually. I went to college in Kuala Lumpur and after that, in New Zealand. I almost can’t believe it’s been 9 years! (Yea yea, that kinda gives away my age, but who cares?! :P) 9 long years I’ve been away from home. It’s so good to be home finally and be able to spend some uninterrupted time with my parents, although it is under these circumstances, but still, good times.

After almost 3 months of spending time with my family, it’s so hard to say goodbye once again. Harder than I’d imagined. As the date of departure draws closer, I find myself getting reluctant to part. I can feel the sadness in the air. Every corner I turn, there’s something that reminds me of the good times I’ve had. The familiar scent, the old photos, every turn and corner, even the dying plants in front of the house could trigger a sense of nostalgia.

After so many goodbyes over the years, I have still not gotten used to it. I don’t think there’s any getting use to when it comes to parting with loved ones. There’s a Chinese saying, the toughest thing in life has got to be parting, alive or death. I know I am having a really hard time to part this time, the hardest yet. Please don’t ask me why we choose to be so far away and be apart from our loved ones. Things just work out to be this way, at least for now. We certainly hope to be re-united with our family and never to be parted again in the near future. Wish us luck! For now, I just have to hold back my tears and walk to that departure gate strong and brave.

So goodbye my homeland, my families and my friends, till we see again…

Technorati tags: goodbye

Now, before anyone get too excited and started jumping up and down in joy. Nope I’m not pregnant. Just want to share some funny/weird moments that happened after I become a MRS.

The one and only hot question 101, mother of all questions for newlyweds is this, “when are you going to have a baby?”. I have heard questions like ‘got boyfriend?” “when are you getting married?” etc, but I was not prepared for this question. Don’t get me wrong, I understand people who asked this question are out of concern and good will. But after being asked a hundred times, one might get a bit paranoid. Isn’t that quite a private question to be asked by every tom, dick and harry?? I mean at least get to know me a little before you ask me this question! You would be amazed of the people who have asked me the baby question. Even someone I don’t know that well did. Why is everybody getting more excited than me? The baby will come when the time is right, we are not in any hurry.

Now I really can empathize with those who’ve been asked similar questions. Especially my aunt P who’s in her late 30’s and single. She gets the whole ‘question and frown’ treatment from my relatives whenever we have a family gathering. I am glad she can see the funny side of it. (Well, I guess she has to. After receiving the same treatment for so many years, one has to humour herself or go totally crazy.)

I thought I was the only one being bombarded left right and center, but little did I know my dad had it worst. During his visit on November 2006, I was complaining to him that I was so sick and tired of answering the same question over and over. In his usual calm self, my dad answered,

“Really? Then I guess you wouldn’t want to be in my shoes right now. Ever since you got married, everyone I know kept asking me whether I have been promoted to datukship (grandpa in Malay). And before I came down to visit you, the frequency doubled and some of them just presumed you have given birth and almost started to congratulate me.’

Come to think of it, the other day one of my friends told me during their recent gathering that one of my old college mates announced to them that I have become a mum. MY friend almost fell down from the chair laughing. Now don’t you just love the power of presumption?!

While I’m on the subject, apparently my dad had it a lot worse back then. After my mum gave birth to me, they had problem conceiving another child. My mum had miscarriage twice and they tried everything there were but to no avail. That was not the hardest part though, it was the harsh questions people threw at them without thinking. There would be questions and comments like ‘only one daughter ah? Why don’t have more?’ ‘Why no more children?’ “One not enough, should have more!’ etc. I just wonder, what answer did these people expect? If it were my parents’ decision to have only one child, then they should have respected that. And if it was because they had problem conceiving, why did they dwell on that and cause them so much grief and pressure?! I mean, be a little more considerate!

Anyway, my friends and family, for now, please restrain yourself from this question. We’ll let you know when the good news arrives. Please try to curb your enthusiasm, ok?!

p/s: Now please don’t jump the gun and think I’m offended. I’m just airing my frustration as I have just been asked 5 times in two days.